Learn from the mistakes of others

i'm at a loss right now. and teetering between depression and extreme enthusiasm (i'm not manic).

none of the jobs i've applied for, or hoped to hear back about have come through in recent times.

i do have a job interview coming up. yet another government job. and yet again, outside legal practice.

i guess i'm kinda on the edge of my seat, desperately hoping i won't get disappointed again.

i'm pretty tough, but i'm also expected to 'live' on a fraction of the poverty line; and a tiny fraction of what i could be on if only someone would give me a job.

it's not being able to use my potential to do something meaningful - to me and to society - that hurts the most.

i've put in far too many years of hard work to just be left sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else having a life.

it is not improbable that i may be one of the many well-educated shut-outs watching life go by as government policies make it harder and harder for me to ever get into the rat race.

there are times when i wonder what's the point of it all. if i simply accept that i'll never own a home, or a car, or have savings. that i'll never have a holiday - hey aren't i living one right now? as old age approaches, i may have to rely on my relatives to support me as the pension gets phased out and we're all expected to live on the superannuation we've accumulated during our 'working' lives. perhaps if i just accepted that, i would be able to let go and enjoy my life more.

but i can't. and it's keeping me awake.

i need to have something to do that gives me a sense of purpose, and belonging, and meaning. life does not have intrinsic meaning in the sense that just being is enough. i'm not a buddhist monk who can rely on a community to support me while i get on with just being.

and our government's policies and laws won't let me, even if i wanted to.

perhaps i am cursed with yossarian's awareness; caught in the glare of catch 22 - damned if i do and damned if i don't. besides, yossarian had a job. even if it was insane. something to do, and get paid for, so he could spend money on insane things.

but, if this opportunity comes together, as so many others haven't, then i will be inside the system. insulated from so many of the forces that are slowly crushing me like the insignificant thing i appear to be to the monster that is our conservative quasi-neocon 'free' market 'open' trade capitalist liberal-national coalition corporatocratic society.