posted by ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
maelorin at 02:41am on 30/03/2005
maelorin at 02:41am on 30/03/2005can't sleep. but am getting tired.
i need something to do. some purpose. some sense of direction.
i'm an aspie without a perserveration. or perhaps it might be more accurate to say my perserveration is that i don't have one.
if i'm not careful, i could slip into a life filled with roleplaying.
then again, i pretty much have anyway. i have to play the role of 'normal' me so often that i wonder who's under all these layers.
i have little 'routines' for facial expressions, vocal expression, walking, look at people when i talk to them, scan face and body language, compare what i see with my library of body language and facial templates to 'guess' what they might mean, keeping track of time (which presupposes that that is important/meaningful/useful), scan conversations for useful keywords, monitor my speech patterns for length and relevance, monitor internal emotional environment for clues and cues about how i'm reacting/responding, and so on.
if this sounds normal, consider this: most people do this kind of stuff subconsciously. most of the time i have to be consciously aware ... and try to think about what i'm doing, or should be doing, or might like to do. add a dash of nerves or high demand on my cognitive load, and well, i can begin to 'act a bit weird' as i drop layers out of necessity.
vodka. great stuff. might go try to sleep now. body is exhausted. brain is beginning to lose track of things. might be ready to sleep now. [robots was fun.]
i need something to do. some purpose. some sense of direction.
i'm an aspie without a perserveration. or perhaps it might be more accurate to say my perserveration is that i don't have one.
if i'm not careful, i could slip into a life filled with roleplaying.
then again, i pretty much have anyway. i have to play the role of 'normal' me so often that i wonder who's under all these layers.
i have little 'routines' for facial expressions, vocal expression, walking, look at people when i talk to them, scan face and body language, compare what i see with my library of body language and facial templates to 'guess' what they might mean, keeping track of time (which presupposes that that is important/meaningful/useful), scan conversations for useful keywords, monitor my speech patterns for length and relevance, monitor internal emotional environment for clues and cues about how i'm reacting/responding, and so on.
if this sounds normal, consider this: most people do this kind of stuff subconsciously. most of the time i have to be consciously aware ... and try to think about what i'm doing, or should be doing, or might like to do. add a dash of nerves or high demand on my cognitive load, and well, i can begin to 'act a bit weird' as i drop layers out of necessity.
vodka. great stuff. might go try to sleep now. body is exhausted. brain is beginning to lose track of things. might be ready to sleep now. [robots was fun.]
tired