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mother_cat's lj tonight has brought some memories to the surface.
i don't grieve quite the way most people seem to grieve.
it is quite common for aspies to miss people who are part of their lives, and not miss them if they weren't.
katherine was not central, was often barely even peripheral. but i played an important role in her life, at least from time to time.
i can't say that i miss her terribly. at least, not most of the time. i am aware that she's gone. what does hit home is the loss of another link to my past. that is something that passes through my fingers like quicksilver. there are so few people that i have known longer than a few years. most even less.
time passes swiftly. and people do as well.
sometimes i can feel life slipping past me.
that scares me.
mother_cat's lj tonight has brought some memories to the surface.i don't grieve quite the way most people seem to grieve.
it is quite common for aspies to miss people who are part of their lives, and not miss them if they weren't.
katherine was not central, was often barely even peripheral. but i played an important role in her life, at least from time to time.
i can't say that i miss her terribly. at least, not most of the time. i am aware that she's gone. what does hit home is the loss of another link to my past. that is something that passes through my fingers like quicksilver. there are so few people that i have known longer than a few years. most even less.
time passes swiftly. and people do as well.
sometimes i can feel life slipping past me.
that scares me.
melancholy
(no subject)
(no subject)
this is pretty much my experience. most of the time i feel the loss of doing things with them - or them doing things themselves (such as graduating, or achieving a dream.) when i was younger, unless it was a person directly involved in my life, they were simply gone - permanently.
once i came to value the feelings associated with being with others and doing things together, i began to relate more closely to their loss of beign able to experience that ... i began to realise what empathy was. and for a short time i was overwhelmed.
now i have a pretty good handle on my grieving cycles. having recognised that grieving is not just about dead people, but also other losses, i have been able to analyse, and to varying degrees understand, the processes.
at the moment, i'm in the testing-acceptance transition of the grief cycle.
The Kübler-Ross grief cycle
Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.
i've known for some time that i'd started grieving for katherine long before she died. after the first few time i saw her brought back to life i realised that at least part of my motivation to try to help her was fueled by emotions associated with the bargaining stage.
depression lasted all of about five minutes or less ... dragged out by the thought of having to face her mother. when i heard that would not happen, i catapaulted into testing - the emotional search for an emotional resolution. which will lead naturally to acceptance (emotionally).
the main hurdle being the fact that there was so little i could do to help in light of her family's (mother's) behaviour (interference).
(no subject)
(no subject)
as i said above, katherine's death was a surprise only for a few moments. i think i'd come to terms with the possibility a long time ago. which may be why she asked me to be her medical guardian. i understood her perhaps better than i realised - but i was also less affected, more capable of rational thinking, when things were going wrong.
i rarely grieve, and when i do its usually for the loss of what may have been. and that often requires me to spend some time actively focussing on how i feel, and digging around a bit.
that's not to say i'm cold-hearted, rather that me and my emotions are still getting to know each other. they do show up at the oddest times, and expect my attention. occasionally in overwhelming numbers, without the slightest apparent notice.
i'm able to observe other people with equanimity. when i become involved in the situation, that's when the rollercoaster begins.
i suspect that i am emotionally hardwired at 14 with respect to myself. or at least, that's where my emotional self has got to in my development.
(no subject)
(no subject)
the seven stages of grieving are neither linear, nor exclusive. and people can get stuck or leap over stages. olny to come back, or repeat them over, and over.
the stages relate as much to emotional resolution as to 'thinking/rational' processes.
i don't really follow the 'normal' grieving pattern. i'm very used to loss. and, as i've been learning, aspies do things (at least emotionally) differently to neurotypicals. at least in part because our emotions have a different relationship to our awareness. at least, that's how i understand these things at the moment.
my understanding could change at any moment.
(no subject)
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dagnabbit!
so back to the drawing board.{actually I have to go to bed now to get up early, so will respond tomorrowhopefully}. sorry about that.
(no subject)
be aware that long comments may break the limit on comment length and get rejected for that reason as well.
feel free to post a series of comments if you need to (i tend to break long ones up by point or topic - or some other logical arrangement - anyway. give everyone a chance to reply sensibly to whichever parts of my ranting they so desire :)