Learn from the mistakes of others

haunted_riddle asks Can you tell me what you do or have done when horribly upset??

i usually have one of two reactions (and they can alternate):

1. i bury the pain.

this can be so effective that i neither notice it occurring, nor can easily identify the reason for subsequent odd behaviour (it is possible for me to act more oddly than usual). i may well resort to cleaning, tidying, reorganising, alphabetising, and other annoying obsessive behaviours.

and i tend to experience insomnia, which inhibits my subconscious from dealing with things through dreams. thereby making matters worse.

2. i express in messy [sometimes very public] ways.

this can include listening to music very loudly, running around a lot, walking aimlessly for hours. i may tell anyone unfortunate enough to stand/sit still long enough.

i have drunk myself stupid only once - after a very public, very humiliating rejection. i then went on to compound my error by telling everyone who didn't already know all about it. and trying all over again - drunk, and in an even more public place.

3. i prefer a third option:

long sessions talking it through with someone i trust. this might well involve some running around, or other physical activity. period of music. and quiet time. it often ends with a long cry&hug session.

right now, i'm too poor to afford to drink myself stupid. i have also tried 1, 2, and 3. each has its advantages. each has proven equally insufficient - or perhaps i have been equally unsuccessful at executing them.

i suspect efforts at 3 have been inadequately executed, and likely with the 'wrong' people [meaning that the friends who i've confided in face-to-face so far have not been friends i'm close enough to actually 'let go' with. it's a trust thing. i realise who i truly trust when i'm in the most pain and need to share-to-let-go.]

1 is ultimately self-destructive, so i really want to avoid it.

and 2. well 2 has only made 3 more difficult/complex - some of my behaviour has pushed at least one friend away from me just when i really needed them. [and that may be as much my perception as reality.]

right now, i'm wondering exactly who i can talk to about this. there is a counsellor available, but that relationship has limitations. asking me how i feel does not help. i don't know how i feel until i express. and i have decades of practice at self-control/burying, enhanced by my natural asperger tendency to have no fucking idea anyway.

i need face-to-face, for all kinds of reasons. with someone who is prepared to stick it out with me until i have 'got it all out' - which may well require occasionally smacking me about the head with a blunt object. or something.

i am usually slow to trust completely. i know from a recent experience that i am
1) capable of trusting and opening up quickly,
2) i react badly to threats to such relationships,
3) i desperately need to talk this stuff through,
4) i have a bizarre capacity to push away the very people i need - so i need to remember to be clear that if i act like a fuckwit, someone needs to tell me.

i do not, cannot, be offended by openness or honesty. in fact, i crave it.

a few weeks ago i was floating on air. then the air was sucked out from under me. then this past week, i was smacked in the chest and my feet swept out form under me.

life sure can be a harsh mistress.

i need sleep.

edit: i'm going to revisit this question once i've had a little think, and a little nap. and possibly a drinkie or two.