posted by ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
maelorin at 07:30pm on 15/04/2004
maelorin at 07:30pm on 15/04/2004hi there all,
i'd like to put some text on this icon. but what?
and no, i'm not putting "i'm not a girl' or whatever on it.
perhaps some guidance ...
i get two icons other than my default (at least until i. i can pay to upgrade, which requires ii. surplus income, and iii. online credit/credit card]
for humorous/weird/curious posts i have the dr who icon - the woo ee ooo text on blue.
this icon? what should it be for?
edit: what do you think?
i'd like to put some text on this icon. but what?
and no, i'm not putting "i'm not a girl' or whatever on it.
perhaps some guidance ...
i get two icons other than my default (at least until i. i can pay to upgrade, which requires ii. surplus income, and iii. online credit/credit card]
for humorous/weird/curious posts i have the dr who icon - the woo ee ooo text on blue.
this icon? what should it be for?
edit: what do you think?
crazy
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were you going for ironic juxtaposition? ;)
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it was actually the first thing that came to mind when i looked back at the original image.
[it is a picture from an issue of vanity fair some years ago. i'd upload it to my lj if i knew how.]
i find myself in an unusual place emotionally at the moment. this picture, and the quote, speak to me - on many levels.
i feel as though i have been crawling out of a shell, out of an emotional fog, that i have been living/trapped in much of my life. it's as though i am finally getting it after all this time.
the past year or so have been a steep learning curve. discovering the many masks i have worn, some since childhood. discovering that while i am different from most people, that can actually be a positive thing.
i am trying to live as honestly as i can, to be as honest and open as i can. largely this has been a good thing. occasionally i find myself wondering what it is that i am really feeling - i am very rarely unaware of what i think, since that is largely where i live. 'i think' is more than a motto, particularly for most aspies [people with asperger syndrome] since that is a large part of who we are.
my awareness of how i'm feeling has a lag time - which is an improvement upon having no idea, which is where i was a year ago. it can take a few minutes to several hours for me to become aware of feeling emotions. then i have to decode them. in a very real sense i have really only been able to do that for about eight months.
i have learned that all this analysis of how i'm feeling, and why, is actually unusual - particularly among males. i have stopped talking to them about it - most get uncomfortable very quickly.
i have also realised that i would very much like to share some of this journey with someone. preferably someone here, someone i can touch.
text has its limitations, and i don't consider peoples individual emotional lives to be a spectator sport (however popular 'reality tv' might be at the moment). i certainly don't trust my ability to explore this stuff in text. [not that i don't have the vocabulary, nor that i'm not having a stab of some sorts at it now ;)]
[you can stop reading anytime, of course]
it came as a surprise a little while ago when i realised that i'm actually capable of engaging in a truly adult relationship. and that i've started looking. actually desiring to share how i feel, and to want to understand and share how someone else feels and thinks.
this all hit home to me on a bus on monday night/tuesday morning. a number of threads of thought and feeling came together when i realised that i'd let someone go home without making sure i'd at least be able to contact her later. [damn, damn, damn.] i'd very much like to talk through some of this with her. and ask the question i should have that night.
anyway, back to the topic. the quote.
"she looks into my soul and i am happy."
it works for me in several ways.
it is hopeful.
it expresses something i am looking for: a soul mate and partner.
[this really is much longer than i originally intended. am in need of sleep.]
it speaks to my belief in the universe.
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Who who? (Yes, I'm nosy. :p)
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lifted from the background image available on the transmet website.
... my keyword for it is 'transmetro' ;)
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But Transmet SO kicked ass.
continuing ...
of the gods i talk to, the one who responds most frequently i call 'she who laughs' - i can be far to serious with all the thinking and what not. when i stop and listen to the quiet inside, or to the world around me, most often i find myself talking to a woman who has a sense of humour.
spiritually speaking i have an animistic relationship with the universe. i'm a contrary shaman. my goddess is a trickster, a raven. my totem, a bear. my guide, a hare. spiritually speaking, when i say that she 'looks into my soul' and is satisfied with what she finds there - i am happy. and when i'm happy, i sense that she is satisfied.
i call her 'she who laughs' because she does, and because the 'sacrifice' or 'offering' that satisfies her best is happiness - particularly when expressed as laughter - my own and other peoples. [i still don't do that nearly enough.] it is also because as a contrary, i do sacred things backwards. in our community i have important roles, not the least of which is to remind people not to take things too seriously.
among the lakota i'd be something like their heyoka - the sacred clowns. {i do not attempt to emulate/assimilate native american traditions, however they do offer a frame of reference. my practices are closer to those than to other traditions, such as the norse} i do relate to loki and the norns (demi-goddesses of destiny), especially skuld ("being").
i do not worship any of these - rather they are personifications of principles/[the word escapes me]. how did this turn into a mini-lecture on my theology/thealogy?
i really do need sleep now.
Re: continuing ...