(no subject) [Learn from the mistakes of others]

i am an aspie, which means that i live with a certain degree of disconnection between how i feel and what i experience. in many ways i am lucky - i am almost "normal". but that can also be a great curse. it is very difficult for most people, even clinicians, to pick up that i am not (so called) "normal".

it can take me hours or days to figure out how i am feeling. that doesn't mean i am not affected by the emotion at the time, however. but i may not have any idea why i am feeling a particular emotion, or more usually, why the way i am acting is at odds with the way i think i'm feeling.

so when it comes to complex emotional stuff, i give myself a few days.

i also give other people a few days.

in my expereince, most people are used to feeling emotions - but not so good on describing or analysing emotions. i allow time to sort it all out before talking about them.

then i go gently. i tend to be a bit rough on my own emotions. they're still new to me in some ways. but i treat other people more kindly. most of the time.

sometimes i'm all aspie and go bargining in and stomping around. i'm only humanoid after all.

sometimes, it's my own emotions that need some tlc. right now, i'm feeling sad. not sure why. a deep, hollow, low feeling of sadness and loss. longing and loniless. i'm not really equiped for this right now. but, fuck, i'm going to have to get through it and try to figure it out.

i could have been triggered by a number of things. in the past few weeks my life has been touched by a suicide/murder, the sudden serious illness of a friend, the death of another, significant stress during my placement, family fun that i still don't understand, and nasty creditors who just don't listen.

in fact, having just written that lot down, i have suddenly realised that i have been been trying to cope with a hell of a lot of shit recently. if you want to know what all the frivolous posts have been about - i guess it has been stress relief. i will probably have more to say later once i've slept on this stuff ...

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I dont feel *normal* either, and on first glance I am considered exactly that, but Im not, and worse still I dont have anything to label it as.

You see I have quite a nervous disposition which irritates me some partly due to others reactions to me and partly because I dont feel inside how I come across outside.

You see my hands shake, its not like I have parkinsons but it is noticable. People tell me I notice it more than others do, doctors and counsellors tell me it is to do with low self esteem, and it probably is but that doesnt help.

I get very embarrassed by it and do everything I can to conceal it which ultimately makes it and me worse once it is noticed. Lately I have broached the subject with new friends so it is out in the open but they get embarrassed by my bringing it up so its a lose-lose situation.

On the net I dont normally talk about it (although I have once on lj a few months ago) because I can feel *normal* and not judged on it. I only bring this up now because you have been so open yourself, I thought you deserved the same by return.

They say it is caused by lack of confidence but it also causes my lack of confidence so it is a vicious circle and I really wish I could *cure* it but I've had it since I was a child and I dont see it changing. The worst thing is when I have to give presentations or any attention is on me because I feel people can see as a quivering mess which is actually more on the inside than out. I have so many plans to enter the world of the media in London (my reason for moving there) but I worry because of this ailment (for want of a better word) and feel I will be judged for it, when probably no one judges me more than me!

For the longest time I let it hold me back - I had a baby young so I wouldnt have to go to work where people would notice it and I would continuously spend my life trying to hide this part of me - and it is a part of me which I and others need to learn to love and accept, so I just want to thank you for being so open with your aspergers because it is making me confront issues in myself that I should have dealt with a long long time ago. I have made myself very lonely by rejecting people and not allowing people to get close due to this and you are showing me to stand and be proud!

Wow that became rather intense! I have never been anywhere near this honest with anyone before on this subject! Consider yourself prvilidged! I could go on loads more but ill save you!

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it's not the label that helps me, its the clear picture of the kinds of 'deficits' (the differences) that i need to be aware of that has helped. knowing the kinds of differences and the likely repercussions has empowered me in too many ways to list right now.

i am glad that you have shared, and i do feel privileged. one of the reasons i decided to be open and direct about myself is that i very much prefer openness and honesty, and people being themselves. so i make myself the example. it's infectious.

i can relate to the way you don't feel the way others perceive you to be feeling. the way i presented to the world for most of my life was either as an unfeeling android or an out of control mess. neither were directly connected to the way i was 'feeling'. now i understand the linkages better.

asperger people do not have the same internal emotional linkages as the general population, and we don't learn to relate to other people's emotions through direct experience. trying to describe this to others generally leads to comments like:

* "that's just a guys thing ..."
* "everyone is like that ..."
* "what the f(*&?"

i could go for months without changing my facial expression (especially when i'm tired) and have no idea that i not giving any 'signals' for other people to read. indeed, i had no idea there was anything to signal. this is one of the big changes i have made. i deliberately, consciously 'boot up' the link between emotion and face every day. sometimes several times a day. [this requires me to be consciously aware of how i'm feeling, at least generally. i'm fifteen again, and going through the whole 'getting to know my emotions' thing. i can relate directly to my students' life experiences!]

and i have had to learn to interpret body language. first i had to realise it meant something. then i had to learn the signals. then i had to learn what they might mean. now i have to think about all of this stuff ... and what i'm wanting to say, and what body language i am/ought to be using, and ... focus on listening to the other person.

the big bonus: i can concentrate on something to the exclusion of all else. if you have my attention, you have all of my attention.

some thoughts i've had concerning your shaking hands.

* give them something to do. hold something, or hold on to something. use a lectern. cradle a book, or a clipboard. use a table. use gestures so that your hands are moving ... harder to see shaking if they're moving about :)

* talk to people while sitting down. work on a casual interview style that makes other people feel comfortable.

* focus on the other person. what are they wearing, what are they interested in/want to know. what do i need to get out of them here. are they nervous, confident, concealing something?

i have a huge fear of public speaking. so i do it as often as i can. apparently, i'm pretty good. i'm told i'm a natural in the classroom! [and not just by the girls :)]

focus on what you are good at, and what you have to get done. forget about your hands. grab your audiences' attention and make them focus on what you have to say.

and remember:
on the internet, nobody knows you're ~~richard nixon~~ ~~naked~~ asleep;

on tv everyone's looking at your face ~~and your tits~~;

on radio it doesn't matter;

and in the conference theatre, a good powerpoint presentation will distract the crowd long enough for you to slip away :)

everyone's scared; some of us have learned to use it to our advantage :)

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Yeah bu t a label would help me...

I have always considered myself open and honest and never considered that by keeping this to myself I wasnt being. After all Im not hiding something that can harm others just not telling the word my biggest insecurities...

Yeah when I said I dont feel on the inside how I appear on the outside it was like I come across as nervous but I dont feel nervous inside I feel tough and hard and able to deal with anything. For example about 5 years ago I started learning to drive but during my second session the instructor asked me if I needed to pull over and gather myself for a moment I wondered what that was all about because as far as I could see I was having a great time and doing fine! It put me off ever having another lesson...

With the shaking hands thing holding stuff makes it more noticable. Say they are by my side or whatever, Im fine but if I have to hold a glass of drink or whatever thats when I run into trouble...Ive spent my lifetime buying bottles of beer so I dont spill a glass. I avoid hot drinks altogether when out - when alone my hand barely shakes at all - and just stupid stuff like that. Ive tried the focusingt on others and everything else you can think of, ive been on beta blockers, nothing works...but im not going to let it dictate the rest of my life for me. I could sit in my home here in southampton and go oh im a freak etc but no Im going to get out there and make somethingof myself, if others dont like it then thats their problem...just got to convince myself of that now!

who have you seen about this problem?

i had seen counselors (plural) and a psych, but no joy. it was a friend who had just embarked on a social work masters that picked it ... she rang my ex and said "this sounds like steven, have a look".

the rest happened rather quickly after that.

one of the more useful things i did before that was to see a hypnotherapist. at the time it was (mostly) pointless for me [the whole 'how do you feel' line just didn't work :)], but i did learn techniques and ideas that have been very useful since.

oh, and if you are ever sitting in a therapists office, be clear about what it is you are after, and get them to explain what they think can be achieved. it's amazing how many people don't get that stuff sorted. it's often as useful as the consultation itself...

doctors and a counsellor.

I dont really believe in hypnotherapy so I feel that would be of limited use.

have you considered finding someone who specialises in disability studies or occupational therapy? someone who's likely to have experience working with people who want to address this kind of thing?

[i guess all i'm saying is that you may not have exhausted possibilities for real help.]

on the hypnotherapy again, the theory was useful. the practice ... well, i'm an aspie ... being relaxed was good though. and it was interesting to analyse the techniques.

the practitioner i went to see was a medical doctor with broad experience in counseling and medicine. hypnotherapy was just one of his techniques. we tried a few things. he suggested i go and talk to certain people. by the time i did, we'd picked up on the aspergers.

the referral was to a psychologist who is often part of the team that confirmed my diagnosis :) [the doctor was not prepared to offer a diagnosis himself, but he had an inkling. when i mentioned his name and his referral at autism sa, they connected the dots.]