Learn from the mistakes of others

i have to function. i'm expected to be like everyone else. when i'm really data with the emotion chip installed. badly.

i know so much, and i don't even know who i am. i think i know what i want. i certainly know how i'd like to feel.

so much loss. so much. and i get up every day and go on about things as dysfunctionally as ever.

i feel as though i'm trapped. caought in a dead end. as through life will never get better than this, any of this. i get moments. but it's as if that's all i'm allowed. a few moments occasionally to know just how much i can never have.

i want, but i am denied.

fleeting moments. usually followed by a complete fuck up. i relax, let myself enjoy the moment. relax, and say and/or do something really stupid.

that fear killed my marriage. too damn afraid of fucking things up that i fucked it up nonetheless. [though, to be fair, there was more to it than that, but that fear certainly didn't help.]

on the first day of the grad dip ed course, and many time thereafter, we were exhorted to entertain regular self-reflection. self-reflection and meta-analysis are two key skills of good teachers. well, i thought, i've got that part worked out. the difficulty, however, is that you have to reflect on the right stuff, and in the right way. again, point me to the bar, i can do that. and i can.

but being reflective isn't enough. you have to be able to act upon it. well, i can do that. i do it all the time. i'll have another round then.

sure. so long as i don't lock up.

when i have an aspie 'meltdown' i don't curl up in a ball, or scream and rant or whatever. there are few outward signs of anything wrong. i simply lock up emotionally and intellectually. i continue to function, but nobody's answering the door. somehow i got thorugh five weeks in my old school practically in that state.

and now that i've realised that, and now that i can pick up on the signs of it, i'm hoping that i can get through my next prac placement without locking up. hopefully i can go in and show that i can teach like anyone else. because if not, well, fuck knows what i do, where i go from here.

ok. not that bad. i have some ideas. but it'll be damnably disappointing.

in the meantime, i have a few essays to write. and some unfinished lesson and unit plans to construct.

and some more mourning to go through.