Learn from the mistakes of others

one of the few things about myself that i truly wish were different is my superb capacity for self-doubt.

i like people. in general. and there are one or two people who i like a great deal. they be the people i call my friends.

i also like talking. not just talking to, but most particularly talking with - especially with my friends.

but here's the catch. self-doubt. i have a lot of confidence in what i know. it's what i understand that i begin to have doubts about. but the real nut-buster is people. i have doubts about whether i understand other people. but worst of all are my doubts about whether they understand me.

i assume the best about others. it takes quite a lot to shake my faith in a person. but my faith in myself ... that is a fragile thing.

i am at my best, feel happiest, when i relax and trust myself with other people - usually with my friends. there are, truth be told, only a very few people who i really relax with. and i am most relaxed in their physical presence, one-to-one. i actually find myself throwing down my guard with them, being as truly myself and as open as i have ever been. i am exploring emotional intimacy, and i like it. [this is one reason why eternal sunshine of the spotless mind has had such an impact on me.]

i haven't told them yet, but these people are the most precious things in the whole of existence to me. [equalled only by my son.] i wish i could spend more time with them. i hope to do just that in june-july. [please.]

there is another group of people with whom i am nearly as open. some of them read this blog. i suspect one or two of you realise that you are among my inner circle of friends. this group is also a blessing in my life, and i thank the gods i know them.

self-doubt.

the one thing that truly scares me is that i might say or do something that damages my friendship with someone. and the more i value a friendship, the greater the fear that i might fuck it up. i have fucked up more than a few in my life.

right now i have two close friends, and one or two who are becoming close. my fear of losing those friendships is quite strong. fear that i might inadvertently say or do something that undermines their respect for me.

right now, the little paranoid child in me is hoping that something i have said to one of my friends does not undermine our friendship. self-doubt is my achilles heel.

it's at time like this that i could cry. am crying.

i hope it is just stress and grief fucking with my head.

if not, i am sorry. mea culpa. please forgive me.