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maelorin at 12:12am on 05/06/2005
maelorin at 12:12am on 05/06/2005over the past few weeks i have discovered friends i wasn't sure i had. i've dissapointed a few who hoped for more. i rediscovered the joy of simply being alive.
this year i've chosen the law. i am uncertain about whether i'll have a job in a month. it's a bit of a dampner on things at the moment. i'd like to think that i trust that i will still be a lawyer in government in the years to come, but part of me is too scared of being let down again.
a few months ago, i had a friend committed to an institution. last week i had to fight to get another into the same place. i ran into the former in a bottle shop recently, and he seemed ok. alchohol accentuates his difficulties, but i'm not his keeper. the latter is bipolar, schizoid, and ocd. she has problems with reality in all its manifestations. somehow, this guy she met in a few tutorials is the one she trusts most to look out for her when her life hits the wall. i've at least met her family i guess.
people seem to find it easy to confide in me. to talk to me, and share. which is very nice sometimes. other times, very awkward. the things i know ... about certain people ...
i've rediscovered the joy of the shopping spree. i have some very nice new clothes now. and other things. but i've spent all the money i was supposed to be saving.
am i the only one who is blind to the connections between myself and the world/universe? i those between others, for others, so very clearly. but for myself ...
perhaps i have to find my way to trusting that i can. or something.
i still hope for a happy ending. and a happy middling. and perhaps a happy real-soon-now as well.
neutiquam erro.
this year i've chosen the law. i am uncertain about whether i'll have a job in a month. it's a bit of a dampner on things at the moment. i'd like to think that i trust that i will still be a lawyer in government in the years to come, but part of me is too scared of being let down again.
a few months ago, i had a friend committed to an institution. last week i had to fight to get another into the same place. i ran into the former in a bottle shop recently, and he seemed ok. alchohol accentuates his difficulties, but i'm not his keeper. the latter is bipolar, schizoid, and ocd. she has problems with reality in all its manifestations. somehow, this guy she met in a few tutorials is the one she trusts most to look out for her when her life hits the wall. i've at least met her family i guess.
people seem to find it easy to confide in me. to talk to me, and share. which is very nice sometimes. other times, very awkward. the things i know ... about certain people ...
i've rediscovered the joy of the shopping spree. i have some very nice new clothes now. and other things. but i've spent all the money i was supposed to be saving.
am i the only one who is blind to the connections between myself and the world/universe? i those between others, for others, so very clearly. but for myself ...
perhaps i have to find my way to trusting that i can. or something.
i still hope for a happy ending. and a happy middling. and perhaps a happy real-soon-now as well.
neutiquam erro.
lonely
(no subject)
Maybe trusting others is just a form of trusting ourselves to be strong enough if they disappoint us.
Then again, it might just be a miscalculation of the odds that the trusted individual is indeed fallible.
*shrug* I think for me anyway its the former.
(no subject)
in this situation, i have a pretty good idea of the odds. especially after the meeting today.
so, my plan to apply for everything that looks like my level of lawyering is officially a good idea™ ...
i trust people. systems are a little more complex. :)
(no subject)
A system is only as trustworthy as its creator.
(no subject)
[doesn't help that i fit squarely into both of those categories either - with a side order of uber-geekiness to go ;)]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
Nope. I think it is a survival mechanism really. If we could really see ourselves clearly we'd probably go stark raving mad. [1] And yes, enlightenment is a form of madness. [2] So we are left to perceive our existence through the filtered reflections of those around us. Not that that is altogether bad. I find in many cases the reflection of my existence in others eyes is much better than the reality could possibly be.
[1] Kind of like Odin accepting Mimir's gift and having one eye turned inwards so he could see himself as he really was 9at least according to one version of the story, anyway).
[2] "To master others is to aquire power; to master yourself is to aquire strength. To know others is to acquire wisdom; to know yourself is to aquire enlightenment." [loose paraphrase]
(no subject)
aspieness has it's benefits.
i don't really get to perceive things through other people's eyes. not the way most other people do. i have to do some translating along the way.
you are right, though. friends are good for us.