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for the past few weeks i've had trouble getting to sleep before one am ... this is not a good pattern, but it is a symptom of my unhappiness with the general direction my life has not been going anywhere in of late.
and not being one to ignore or dismiss signs like these for very long, i stopped and considered my options. once i'd figured out why i was unhappy - or what i was unhappy about.
i'm unhappy about not having any direction, anything to do. in a sense, having no self-definition. "unemployed lawyer" really doesn't conjure a sense of satisfaction for me. neither does the prospect of having to live on a third or a quarter of the income i could be one. [in one version of the universe, i could be earning almost ten times what i'm living on now.]
it's not really about the money, though being below the poverty line does hurt. i have to consider carefully how i spend every damn dollar. there are things i want to do, and things i'd like to do with and for my son. but i cannot.
it's really about my need to be doing something that i consider to be meaningful. so, i'm looking out into the desert again, and thinking of striking out on my own once more. unless and until an employer says, "hey we'll give this guy a go and stick with him until he's had a chance to get on his feet in the job", i had best do what i can for myself.
there's precious little charity can do for me. and given that i have the capacity to be doing so much more, i see no reason to be allowing the bastards to ignore my potential simply because they assume they haven't rigged the game against me unfairly.
and not being one to ignore or dismiss signs like these for very long, i stopped and considered my options. once i'd figured out why i was unhappy - or what i was unhappy about.
i'm unhappy about not having any direction, anything to do. in a sense, having no self-definition. "unemployed lawyer" really doesn't conjure a sense of satisfaction for me. neither does the prospect of having to live on a third or a quarter of the income i could be one. [in one version of the universe, i could be earning almost ten times what i'm living on now.]
it's not really about the money, though being below the poverty line does hurt. i have to consider carefully how i spend every damn dollar. there are things i want to do, and things i'd like to do with and for my son. but i cannot.
it's really about my need to be doing something that i consider to be meaningful. so, i'm looking out into the desert again, and thinking of striking out on my own once more. unless and until an employer says, "hey we'll give this guy a go and stick with him until he's had a chance to get on his feet in the job", i had best do what i can for myself.
there's precious little charity can do for me. and given that i have the capacity to be doing so much more, i see no reason to be allowing the bastards to ignore my potential simply because they assume they haven't rigged the game against me unfairly.
melancholy