posted by ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
maelorin at 12:17am on 03/06/2004
maelorin at 12:17am on 03/06/2004tomorrow i face one of the hardest conversations of recent times.
i have to sit down with a friend a talk. i think i'm going to disappoint her mercilessly. and i hate to disappoint people.
but i have to be honest. honest with myself. and honest with her. and perhaps tear a rift between us.
integrity. i have to be true to myself. and damn this is hard.
this stuff used to be easy. or, at least, it didn't mean as much to me.
no, it was easy. i could walk up to someone and tell then what i thought. that was easy.
what i felt was too hard.
now i can tell people what i think, and how i feel. but it's still not easy.
so i guess it means something to me. it matters.
and it is possible that i won't disappoint her. and it's a risk i have to take.
because, once again, she's not the one. and this time i'm going to say so. and not wait to see how things work out.
i really want to get some time with some of my friends, and to figure out just what the hell i want. no. actually i know the answer to that question.
she keeps giving me what i ask for, so i had better start asking for what i really want.
and contemplate writing some poetry for a change.
i have to sit down with a friend a talk. i think i'm going to disappoint her mercilessly. and i hate to disappoint people.
but i have to be honest. honest with myself. and honest with her. and perhaps tear a rift between us.
integrity. i have to be true to myself. and damn this is hard.
this stuff used to be easy. or, at least, it didn't mean as much to me.
no, it was easy. i could walk up to someone and tell then what i thought. that was easy.
what i felt was too hard.
now i can tell people what i think, and how i feel. but it's still not easy.
so i guess it means something to me. it matters.
and it is possible that i won't disappoint her. and it's a risk i have to take.
because, once again, she's not the one. and this time i'm going to say so. and not wait to see how things work out.
i really want to get some time with some of my friends, and to figure out just what the hell i want. no. actually i know the answer to that question.
she keeps giving me what i ask for, so i had better start asking for what i really want.
and contemplate writing some poetry for a change.
crushed
(no subject)
quiet, and comfortable.
at least, heading in a positive and comfortable direction.
i know what i want. she does not tick all the boxes. but we both agree we can learn a great deal from one another as friends. so that's where things are heading now.
i think this has been a test for me. a test of character. and i think i have passed. i certainly feel as though i have turned a corner, out onto a wide, pleasant road. where i'm going to let myself walk for a while before i go doing more stupid things. enjoy some fresh, country air.
i have remembered, once more, that she looks into my soul and i am happy.
(no subject)
Feeling worried about what you're going to do is absolutely normal in my eyes. You should be concerned about possibly really hurting someone's feelings. Then again, don't be too hard on yourself, you really are only human. Good luck with whatever needs to be done.
(no subject)
we're both human. we're both not really emotionally attached. the attraction is largely intellectual. she's trying to figure me out, and i'm kinda curious to see what she comes up with.
i've a good track record with unravelling knotty relationships and coming out friends. lots of talking. lots of not being afraid to say what i mean, and encouraging others to do the same. and then talking it through.
we have begun. starting is good.
(no subject)
I hope it went OK.
(no subject)
i went out of my way to see her, and talk. i couldn't afford the time, but it had to be done.
turns out, we're on similar wavelengths. much talking will ensue.