Learn from the mistakes of others

being autistic has it's charms :D

my post was as much to keep people up to speed on where my life is at as anything else.

my family really don't understand what it means to be autistic - they keep telling me it's ok to 'let go' and so on. but really, there's not a lot to let go of that i haven't already let go of. (poor grammer and all)

i have a hard time keeping in touch with people who aren't in my life regularly - at least as much because emotional connections are tenuous and fragile things for me - but also because without regular contact people slip out of my life. this has been a fact of my life since i was about seven. we moved a lot back then. i was treated crappily by my peers as we moved about (i was a girly swot, a bookish nerd, insular and awkward and clumsy.)

last picked, first picked on.

emotions are not my natural state. i'm acutely aware of what i'm thinking, all the time. in exacting detail. emotions are a foreign country, where everyone speaks a wierd language and wear funny clothes and have strange colourful money. i'm usually aware of the effect of feelings rather than the feelings themselves.

oh, but when i am, thats a strange place to be. something like an out-of-body experience, somewhat drug-like. sometimes very pleasant, sometimes less so. always fascinating and terrifying. it's not that i'm afraid of 'letting go', so much as i have no idea what i'm doing at the time. like i'm an observer as someone else takes over and runs my body ofr a while. it's not dissimilar to being drunk sometimes. down to the (more than usual) lack of coordination.

speaking of which. i'm pleasantly drunk at the moment.

deaht, for me, is the final absence of someone from my life. i do get sad, but it has yet to last long. the knowlegde that the person will never be back makes a difference. real sadness comes from absence after making a strong connection, and the knowledge that they may never return - but they might. it does abate, eventually. the worst sadness comes from somehtign that can never be, no matter how much i might wish it were otherwise.

itunes seems to know where i'm at here. it's fired up anastacia. O_o i do have a bizarre mix of stuff in my music collection.



omgwtfbbq ... ?

being autistic has it's charms :D

my post was as much to keep people up to speed on where my life is at as anything else.

my family really don't understand what it means to be autistic - they keep telling me it's ok to 'let go' and so on. but really, there's not a lot to let go of that i haven't already let go of. (poor grammer and all)

i have a hard time keeping in touch with people who aren't in my life regularly - at least as much because emotional connections are tenuous and fragile things for me - but also because without regular contact people slip out of my life. this has been a fact of my life since i was about seven. we moved a lot back then. i was treated crappily by my peers as we moved about (i was a girly swot, a bookish nerd, insular and awkward and clumsy.)

last picked, first picked on.

emotions are not my natural state. i'm acutely aware of what i'm thinking, all the time. in exacting detail. emotions are a foreign country, where everyone speaks a wierd language and wear funny clothes and have strange colourful money. i'm usually aware of the effect of feelings rather than the feelings themselves.

oh, but when i am, thats a strange place to be. something like an out-of-body experience, somewhat drug-like. sometimes very pleasant, sometimes less so. always fascinating and terrifying. it's not that i'm afraid of 'letting go', so much as i have no idea what i'm doing at the time. like i'm an observer as someone else takes over and runs my body ofr a while. it's not dissimilar to being drunk sometimes. down to the (more than usual) lack of coordination.

speaking of which. i'm pleasantly drunk at the moment.

deaht, for me, is the final absence of someone from my life. i do get sad, but it has yet to last long. the knowlegde that the person will never be back makes a difference. real sadness comes from absence after making a strong connection, and the knowledge that they may never return - but they might. it does abate, eventually. the worst sadness comes from somehtign that can never be, no matter how much i might wish it were otherwise.

itunes seems to know where i'm at here. it's fired up anastacia. O_o i do have a bizarre mix of stuff in my music collection.



omgwtfbbq ... ?